Primarily thoughts, information, and pictures to document and share my transition [FTM]. Also random things about life, college, drumming, and naturally Jonathon Young / Nikola Tesla / Sanctuary - because I'm such a nerd fanboy!
My mom said she’d be able to loan me up to $500 towards my surgery if I need it.
This makes me feel so much better about going ahead and scheduling. The only thing that will make me feel 100% confident about it is if they say I’ll be billed beforehand, rather than charged up front.
I’m calling tomorrow. Holy shit. Just freaking out. I can’t even believe that I’m doing this. And that’s it’s so close.
Our last exam day (and the absolute last day I might have school) is on May 12. That’s 3 months exactly from now. This is just unreal feeling at the moment.
But right now I’m too unfocused.
Finally finished writing my response to “No Exit” - woot!
Now I have to re-write the one for “Translations” because it sucks and, project-wise, that’s the more important one. Plus I need to do some research on Dadaism so I can write about “The Flannigan Affair”, another Jonathon Young play.
Unfortunately, I have to go and hope that the English department is opened today and hand something in and then wander over to COM and hope I can get into the computer lab so I can print shit. And then I have to go to work and pack up a lab - fun times!
To come back home and write those other responses, hopefully. Because they’re due on Monday and I’m slacking off on Saturday and most of Sunday, so yeah…
School, just finished the first semester of my Junior year (terrifying!). I now have to start looking into volunteer opportunities in the psych department, so I can get ready to do some research. Not really interested in this at all, but it must be done. Also have to start looking into grad schools and the GRE (next semester though…)
I’ve decided that I have loads of time my senior year and wanted to pick up a second minor. At first I was thinking a minor in education, it seemed practical since I’m thinking about developmental psychology as my grad school program, but then I decided to go out on a limb and do a minor in something I enjoy. I would LOVE to do a creative writing minor, but we don’t offer one. :( However, my creative writing class this semester and my newest obsession with Jonathon Young have made me interested in trying out play writing and thus led me to a theatre minor. So I’m taking play writing and contemporary drama next semester, one of which is part of the theatre minor.
On that note, I’m having a small mental breakdown over career choices. I’ve been quite set on the psychology thing for a long time, but I’m wondering if that’s really for me. I can’t figure out if it’s more that I don’t really want to be a psychologist, if I feel like I’m not good enough to do it, or if I just don’t f-ing want to go through MORE schooling (plus all the research crap for grad school). But, despite that, I’ve been thinking more about how much I love writing and how my brain has always been hardwired for being creative in that way. I feel like I should have gone to school for a career in writing (but maybe I’m better off, since sometimes they say school for creative things actually kills the creativeness, I’m not sure how I feel about that though…). Either way, I’m looking into it more- the theatre minor is my first step towards really considering it. We’ll see how it goes.
I’m doing better on the friend thing. I’ve got a small group of friends who I hang out with a lot. I’m well-known in Ed house, where most of my friends live. I spend a lot of time with Jules, who has the same kind of humour as me and is fun to hang out with. I also have been doing a lot with Fallon and Brigid, who like the same shows as me, so we bond over those. It’s great. I’ve really enjoyed this semester, to the point that I was pretty indifferent about coming home every time, whereas the last two years I could hardly leave fast enough. I’m even looking forward to going back!
On the relationship front, I’m utterly confused. My girlfriend and I broke up the end of September, but have had this kind of “on-again-off-again” but not really sort of relationship. Generally, a lot of things have been going on and I’m quite confused. There’s also a girl at school who I found out has a bit of a crush on me and I kind of like her, but I’m largely confused as to what I should do about it. ::shrugs:: I’ll figure it out eventually, I suppose…
I’m also insanely in love with Jonathon Young, the actor and writer. He’s pretty awesome, you should look him up! He’s especially epic in a Scifi show called ‘Sanctuary’.
My parents are trying to think of the family, themselves, the money, and my schooling- which is all great and needs to be thought about- but honestly I feel like they’re not considering how I feel or what I feel needs to be helped.
Without knowing if I’m taking a semester off or going back to school, I can’t start on anything. We don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Everything is at a standstill because I’ve been forced to wait for my parents to make a decision. I tried to make a decision- I wanted to take a semester off, get a job, and figure my life out- and it was pretty much ignored and slammed down. And now they won’t make any move, any decision, they (mostly my mom) won’t even think about it. I want to just be able to say, this is my life and this is what I want to do, now please help me figure it out. But then my mom will freak out and be all like “you’re being blind sighted” and whatever stupid crap like that.
I want to make a decision. I don’t want to go back to school. I feel like if I go back, I’ll be stressed about figuring out hormones, handling school, and forcing myself to make friends and get out there when I might not be comfortable enough to do that. I want to take some time off so I can be in a place that I’m comfortable with and give me the four and a half months to get used to myself and mentally more stable. I would also be home with everyone to let them get used to me. And, thirdly, there’s so much stress and pressure right now to get all this money to go back to school in the fall but what if I could just take time off and spend the next 6 months working and making money and sorting all of that stuff out.
I don’t even get why my dad was so against me taking a semester off, since he knows I’ll go back. I guess it was because he didn’t know that I only need 3 semesters, and not 4, so he didn’t want me to take forever to finish. I thought mom would have said that, but I guess not (which makes me wonder if she explained any of my reasons for wanting to take off, I’m guessing not). But I mentioned the first thing last night and wrote him a letter that brought up all of this stuff.
I’m also really mad at my mom right now. She makes up her mind of how the entire world works and what happened and no matter what you say to her, she doesn’t seem to listen. She doesn’t care what you think or say. She doesn’t care. It’s really frustrating. All this crap about what she thinks depression is and what she thinks of how I’m feeling. I don’t know… I’m just so frustrated and confused and stressed out.