Lost and Found

Decided to give up on the off-campus thing. I can’t remember if I posted about this or not… 

Anyway, in the process of switching all that info with financial aid. I signed up for housing and will find out August 1 where I’m living. I’m hoping it’s a regular double room, because that’s all I can afford. I’ll probably wind up with a Freshman or Sophomore but nbd. I do better with people younger than me anyway. I picked out a meal plan and everything too. 

I’m pretty excited about this. I’m pretty sure I wrote earlier about how I preferred the idea of a dorm anyway. I want to be on campus, I want to be around people and trying to make friends. I’m excited about a meal plan again - not having to buy my food or make it. Being able to just go to lunch or dinner with people, etc. Hell, I’m bizarrely excited about being able to use my ID card again for everything. 

I’m going back to Potsdam on Sunday night and staying until Monday afternoon. I’m hoping to get a chance to go roam around the college and buy some Potsdam stuff. I never really got into it at BU, though I had a few things. I want to make sure I have a few things and get into the idea of being at a different school. :-) 

Paying for it makes me a little nervous still, but I’m really not that short from what my financial aid is giving me. Plus, I recently figured out that I can ask to not pay part of the college fees, which will save me $150 per semester if it works out. Right now trying to organize that. The Financial Aid office must be really sick of me by now… Anyway, if that works out, I should only have to pay about $620 this semester and about $700 next semester, if my math is working out. I guess I’ll find out in a few weeks once the bill gets to me. 

I guess I just keep waiting for everything to get settled so I can finally feel like I’m really going and so I can start to get in my head where I’m living, how things work, get excited about the place, learn the schedule, etc. 

But right now I’m too unfocused.

Finally finished writing my response to “No Exit” - woot!

Now I have to re-write the one for “Translations” because it sucks and, project-wise, that’s the more important one. Plus I need to do some research on Dadaism so I can write about “The Flannigan Affair”, another Jonathon Young play.

Unfortunately, I have to go and hope that the English department is opened today and hand something in and then wander over to COM and hope I can get into the computer lab so I can print shit. And then I have to go to work and pack up a lab - fun times!

To come back home and write those other responses, hopefully. Because they’re due on Monday and I’m slacking off on Saturday and most of Sunday, so yeah…

Between having some time to kill and geeking out about seeing Jonathon Young tomorrow, I thought I’d talk a little about why Mr. Young is so important to me.

I’ve been writing for about ten years now. I started with fanficiton when I was 12 and just haven’t stopped. Honestly, I think my brain is pretty much wired for this sort of thing. I generally take a pen and paper with me when I’m going places I think I’ll need something to do and have never had a problem staring off into space and creating elaborate worlds. Hell, I was the kid who spent days in MGM of Disney World sitting on a bench and writing. Seriously, I would just write in Disney World.

When I got to high school, I got a lot of comments from people about how I should become a writer, because that’s what I did, all of the time. Honestly, though, it was something I never seriously considered. I made up a lot of reasons - it doesn’t pay well, what if I never get published, what kind of degree do you get, what would you do with that degree, can you even “learn” to write, it’s not a stable career, what if I become jaded towards writing, etc - but in reality, I think I was just scared. Hell, I’m still scared.

I got into my head that I should become a doctor. I’m smart, I love science, I’m good with people - sure, doctor. And the idea itself was met with such great reception that it was very hard to ever admit that I was changing my mind. So, despite the fact that I was slightly uneasy about going into pre-med, I did it anyway. I literally only had pre-med friends and focused a ton on science, but my heart was never in it. My pre-med friends, they’re all going to make great doctors some day, they really are, but I knew that it wasn’t for me because I was nothing like them. I didn’t have the drive or the interest. But it took until I came out as trans to really realize that.

At the very end of my fall semester sophomore year (about 6 months after I came out), I was doing a lot of thinking. Finally I could see a future for myself, but being a doctor and medical school was just not in it at all. It took a long time, but I was able to drop that. Then I spent almost a year really uncertain of where I was going. I mean, I said that I was just going to finish off my pysch degree and then grad school and whatever, but my heart wasn’t in that either. I really was just clueless.

Then one day I was re-watching the Sanctuary episode of ‘Animus’ instead of doing homework and I had an epiphany moment: Jonathon Young is fucking gorgeous. THe obsession began there and spread into learning more about his life. Cue finding out that he not only acts, but also writes plays.

I mean, I was in a creative writing class and loving it. It was really letting me rediscover writing, but there was something about finding out that Jonathon Young was a very successful and wonderful writer/actor that made me really think “I could do this”. He inspired me to take another writing class and to take a Contemporary Drama class and this class has really changed my views on things and ways of thinking. I’m really getting into theatre and also have been working so much harder on my novel, mostly due to Jonathon Young’s play “The Flannigan Affair”.

I’m now really trying to embrace the idea of becoming a writer and looking into grad school. I’m still playing around with which style to get into, playwriting or fiction, but I’ll definitely be taking classes in both regardless.

But yeah, part of the reason I wanted to share this is because I have every intention of trying to catch Jonathon Young at the stage door and get his autograph. Which means that I’ll get to meet the man who has inspired me to stop being so afraid and really do what I want to do. Part of me really wants to say something along those lines to him, or even just ask him a question about being a writer. But I’m also completely terrified to (hello social anxiety mixed with freaking out because I’m meeting my idol anxiety).

We’ll see. Either way, I’m super excited about this trip. Plus I’ll be checking out two potential grad schools while I’m there!

Let’s see:

School, just finished the first semester of my Junior year (terrifying!). I now have to start looking into volunteer opportunities in the psych department, so I can get ready to do some research. Not really interested in this at all, but it must be done. Also have to start looking into grad schools and the GRE (next semester though…)

I’ve decided that I have loads of time my senior year and wanted to pick up a second minor. At first I was thinking a minor in education, it seemed practical since I’m thinking about developmental psychology as my grad school program, but then I decided to go out on a limb and do a minor in something I enjoy. I would LOVE to do a creative writing minor, but we don’t offer one. :(  However, my creative writing class this semester and my newest obsession with Jonathon Young have made me interested in trying out play writing and thus led me to a theatre minor. So I’m taking play writing and contemporary drama next semester, one of which is part of the theatre minor.

On that note, I’m having a small mental breakdown over career choices. I’ve been quite set on the psychology thing for a long time, but I’m wondering if that’s really for me. I can’t figure out if it’s more that I don’t really want to be a psychologist, if I feel like I’m not good enough to do it, or if I just don’t f-ing want to go through MORE schooling (plus all the research crap for grad school). But, despite that, I’ve been thinking more about how much I love writing and how my brain has always been hardwired for being creative in that way. I feel like I should have gone to school for a career in writing (but maybe I’m better off, since sometimes they say school for creative things actually kills the creativeness, I’m not sure how I feel about that though…). Either way, I’m looking into it more- the theatre minor is my first step towards really considering it. We’ll see how it goes.

I’m doing better on the friend thing. I’ve got a small group of friends who I hang out with a lot. I’m well-known in Ed house, where most of my friends live. I spend a lot of time with Jules, who has the same kind of humour as me and is fun to hang out with. I also have been doing a lot with Fallon and Brigid, who like the same shows as me, so we bond over those. It’s great. I’ve really enjoyed this semester, to the point that I was pretty indifferent about coming home every time, whereas the last two years I could hardly leave fast enough. I’m even looking forward to going back!

On the relationship front, I’m utterly confused. My girlfriend and I broke up the end of September, but have had this kind of “on-again-off-again” but not really sort of relationship. Generally, a lot of things have been going on and I’m quite confused. There’s also a girl at school who I found out has a bit of a crush on me and I kind of like her, but I’m largely confused as to what I should do about it. ::shrugs:: I’ll figure it out eventually, I suppose…

I’m also insanely in love with Jonathon Young, the actor and writer. He’s pretty awesome, you should look him up! He’s especially epic in a Scifi show called ‘Sanctuary’.

So my parents and sisters still don’t use the correct pronouns or my chosen name. Which is why for more than a year, Nicole (my former girlfriend and current best friend) didn’t use John or he around them. She didn’t want to cause tension or piss them off or get them mad at her or something, so she just stirred clear of it.

Honestly, that hurt. I understood and I was never mad at her, but it hurt and I hated hearing it. The whole thing made it very difficult to go home and face them (all that was just exacerbated by the fact that I hated being at school too, so there was no safe place to be for me).

I’m mad at them. There, I said it. I’m pissed as fuck, sometimes. They sit there and say they support me, they’re cool with the whole thing, they’ll help me and so forth, but they can’t even do this. And it’s not that they’re simply bad at it- no, they haven’t even tried. I’ve been out since August of 2009 and my sisters haven’t tried, my mom was pressured once, and my dad has sort of a little bit tried. I feel guilty for being mad, because I don’t really feel like I have a right to be, but at the same time I completely do. I’m upset and I’m guilty about being upset and I don’t want to be around them right now because they’re killing my good mood that I’m currently riding here at school. But I don’t want to be blatantly dismissive of them, especially since I’m supposed to be improving my relationship with my family- but that’s so difficult when they’re not doing much anything to improve it too. They keep making comments, too, about how they don’t want me to think that they don’t care. I sometimes want to tell them to go piss off because there’s one thing they could do to prove it to me, and they haven’t. But I can’t say that because I’m not the only broken one in my family and that would just kill them, and fuck over any relationship I might have with my sisters.

I’m honestly kind of at a point where I want to just say “screw you I’m moving on with my life and you can either catch up and stay apart of my life or you can get lost in the shuffle”. I don’t want that to happen- I love my family- but I simply refuse to let them fuck things up for me. I’m content 90% of the time, which is a huge first for me and I’m finally heading in the right direction with a stable mindset. I finally can see myself being happy in a year from now. I know where I’m going finally and I’m ready for it, whether or not they are almost doesn’t matter to me anymore.

Anywho… the point of this post was to say that Nicole had some words with my mom about how much better I’m doing and how she and my family need to put more effort into the name thing. That means a lot to me. I really don’t even properly have the words to explain what that means to me, but I needed to just say that in some way.

I managed to get about half of my homework done.

I’ve started memorizing my poem, so it’ll get there.

I’ve still got three poems to write- I have no ideas!!! The third poem is finally strolling into my comfort zone as it’s a poem with a story, instead of just a poem (I’m more the story/fiction kind of writer than poetry).

Just a random update for you.

I vented everything to my girlfriend (friend?) on Tuesday, probably too aggressively and too frustratingly. I’m a real jerk when I’m flipping out. She really did her best to try to help out and, while she probably doesn’t know it, really did help me to make some choices, or at least reason some things out in my head.

I took her advice and told my dad some of it yesterday. I sent him a text giving the basics but told him I didn’t want him to call me, because I’m not good with talk, with phone calls, and definitely not with the two combined when I feel like that. He was pretty cool about it and told me just to text him everything that was wrong and then, after he knew what was happening, I called him so he could talk to me about his opinions on the topics. It really helped to finally get some things off my chest that I’ve wanted to say to my parents for a long time but never have. I didn’t go into all those feelings, just the ones that pertained to the current issues.

I still feel pathetic about how out of proportion my brain makes everything. It’s ridiculous and it sucks.

My dad told me to quit marching band, because that seems to be what I want to do. And it is. I don’t enjoy it and I’d much rather be playing with a fife and drum corps, going to this one game club that I couldn’t go to because of marching band, and looking into picking up a few more hours of work. The problem is is that we both agreed for my own piece of mind I have to quit properly, which means I have to walk in to the band office today before practice and try to find the drum instructor, while hopefully not running into any of the drummers, and tell him face-to-face that I want to quit. I don’t see it as being a problem, he’s not going to scold me or tell me no or something stupid like that, I’m just awful with this sort of thing. I’m afraid that I’ll start crying or something stupid or that I won’t be able to get it out. I’m afraid of running into the other drummers and looking stupid. I don’t know. I just hate how anxious I get. I’m just trying to remind myself that I’ll likely never see these people again, so what does it matter?

Also talked about the therapy centre thing. Which is probably what set things off, but not really what was the problem. I want to get help, I know that I need to- I’m sick of feeling like this. And they seemed like such an easy solution- right on campus, recommended by my psychologist, a legit place, all that. But they don’t take insurance and I know that I can’t ask my parents to send me to some place like that, I just can’t. But I don’t know what else is available. They have campus therapist, but I think they’re only for a few sessions and the last chick I went to was awful, so never going back basically. I did email my doctor though to ask if he knew where else I could go and I’ll go to the centre place some time and ask what options I have.

I’m not looking forward to that. Nor to tonight. But I think I’m going to go to the game club thing after I talk to the band guy, so hopefully that will help.

I have no idea what’s going on with me and Nic (my girlfriend?). I was told to leave her alone, so that’s what I plan on doing. Leave her alone until she wants to talk to me and texts me first, I guess. I’m just afraid that that might be never…