Lost and Found

I think, without a doubt, it has been this academic school year. To start with, I came to school with such a better outlook on life. I tried to be more optimistic, I pushed myself harder, made friends with a really great group of people! I’ve never felt more liked or accepted than I have this year. They’re all really fantastic. Most of them even know I’m trans and it’s a complete non-issue. In fact, they enjoy learning about it and have been wonderful as I start my transition, by pointing things out, listening to me talk about it, or just random stuff like that.

This year, I’ve gotten out more, I’ve done some random things around Boston, I have taken random walks with friends, chilled out about work, and spend a lot more time with people rather than alone in my room / somewhere else.

There’s also been a phenomenal amount of geeking out!! I love Fallon! And Brigid, though she’s not as good at geeking. We’re working on it. ;)

Academically, I finally think I have found my footing. I’ve had the chance to be involved in the most amazing Creative Writing class that really helped me embrace my writing. I discorvered Jonathon Young and then it was over - I was becoming a writer. I’m definitely just trying to open up and accept that some of the things that scare me, scare me because I’m passionate about them and that’s exactly why you just have to look straight into life and jump.

This year has also been the first year in a very long time that I’ve been so comfortable with myself. I’m learning to accept myself and learning to slowly see myself from other people’s points of view and discovering that, while I don’t think I’m attractive, other people think so. I’m 2 months on T and couldn’t be happier and just a few weeks away from getting my name change fully legal. Plus I’ve had eight months in a place where I’m (almost) fully accepted as a male and as John and haven’t had any problems. It’s been fantastic, it really has been.

I just hope that this summer and next year prove to be even better.

30 Day Challenge

Let’s see:

School, just finished the first semester of my Junior year (terrifying!). I now have to start looking into volunteer opportunities in the psych department, so I can get ready to do some research. Not really interested in this at all, but it must be done. Also have to start looking into grad schools and the GRE (next semester though…)

I’ve decided that I have loads of time my senior year and wanted to pick up a second minor. At first I was thinking a minor in education, it seemed practical since I’m thinking about developmental psychology as my grad school program, but then I decided to go out on a limb and do a minor in something I enjoy. I would LOVE to do a creative writing minor, but we don’t offer one. :(  However, my creative writing class this semester and my newest obsession with Jonathon Young have made me interested in trying out play writing and thus led me to a theatre minor. So I’m taking play writing and contemporary drama next semester, one of which is part of the theatre minor.

On that note, I’m having a small mental breakdown over career choices. I’ve been quite set on the psychology thing for a long time, but I’m wondering if that’s really for me. I can’t figure out if it’s more that I don’t really want to be a psychologist, if I feel like I’m not good enough to do it, or if I just don’t f-ing want to go through MORE schooling (plus all the research crap for grad school). But, despite that, I’ve been thinking more about how much I love writing and how my brain has always been hardwired for being creative in that way. I feel like I should have gone to school for a career in writing (but maybe I’m better off, since sometimes they say school for creative things actually kills the creativeness, I’m not sure how I feel about that though…). Either way, I’m looking into it more- the theatre minor is my first step towards really considering it. We’ll see how it goes.

I’m doing better on the friend thing. I’ve got a small group of friends who I hang out with a lot. I’m well-known in Ed house, where most of my friends live. I spend a lot of time with Jules, who has the same kind of humour as me and is fun to hang out with. I also have been doing a lot with Fallon and Brigid, who like the same shows as me, so we bond over those. It’s great. I’ve really enjoyed this semester, to the point that I was pretty indifferent about coming home every time, whereas the last two years I could hardly leave fast enough. I’m even looking forward to going back!

On the relationship front, I’m utterly confused. My girlfriend and I broke up the end of September, but have had this kind of “on-again-off-again” but not really sort of relationship. Generally, a lot of things have been going on and I’m quite confused. There’s also a girl at school who I found out has a bit of a crush on me and I kind of like her, but I’m largely confused as to what I should do about it. ::shrugs:: I’ll figure it out eventually, I suppose…

I’m also insanely in love with Jonathon Young, the actor and writer. He’s pretty awesome, you should look him up! He’s especially epic in a Scifi show called ‘Sanctuary’.

I really wish that I wasn’t so jealous of my girlfriend and all her friends. She actually has friends and has a life and goes out and does stuff and studies with people and eats with people. I don’t know anyone. I hardly ever ate with people all year- in fact, I can count the number of meals I ate with other people last semester on one hand. I just feel like I missed out on so much during my freshman year of college, and definitely this past year. I’m just so jealous that she’s out doing stuff and having fun. I’m so glad for her, definitely, because I was worried about her when she went off to school- she’s grown a lot. I just wish that I had too… I wish that my lack of social anything wasn’t dragging her down or whatever. It’s just rare for me to find people who I actually feel comfortable around and care to spend time with/ have something to talk about with.

I’m worried too that, even if I tried hard this summer to hang out with people / learn to have friends, it’s still not going to do much for me. I’m worried that I’m past the stage of being able to make friends, once I go back to school. I don’t know… Just feel like I’ll never have friends or a social life. And, for the first time in my life, that really bothers me.